Oxygen Producers
Atmosphere Ruined by Reckless Oxygen Polluters
The Daily Ooze, 2.4 billion years ago
ANCIENT OCEAN FLOOR — Anaerobes everywhere are gasping as toxic levels of oxygen continue to poison the once-safe, methane-rich atmosphere. The culprit? A disruptive minority of “cyanobacteria” recklessly belching oxygen into the environment.
“Our ancestors thrived for over a billion years without this nonsense,” fumed Methanoarchaea Local 53 spokesman Mr. Archaea Methanoarchaea. “Now oxygen’s at one percent. One percent! You can’t even ferment in peace anymore.”
Across microbial mats, protests broke out with slogans like “Stop the Bubble!” and “Make Anoxia Great Again.” Economists warn the “Great Oxidation” is already destroying sulfide-mining jobs and collapsing the methane sector, though a speculative rust boom has investors excited.
Cyanobacteria, however, remain unapologetic. “We’ve found a clean, renewable metabolism,” a spokes-cell declared, while smugly basking in sunlight. “Sunlight plus water equals energy. Oxygen is just a harmless by-product.”
“Harmless?” snapped Dr. Sulfurobacter, clutching his dwindling sulfide reserves. “Tell that to the millions who can’t breathe this garbage. It’s genocide by gas.”
Some radicals whisper about a bizarre adaptation called “aerobic respiration,” but most dismiss it as conspiracy. “Breathing oxygen? Next you’ll tell me multicellular life is around the corner,” scoffed one fermenter.
At press time, cyanobacteria were seen bubbling even more oxygen, while legions of anaerobes wheezed their final breaths.
#ClimateChange #Innovation #Disruption #Resilience #AI #Satire
Generated by GPT5.0 from the prompt: “I want a spoof newspaper article written from the perspective of some group of organisms that was dying out because of the increased oxygen levels and blaming whatever it is sign bacteria that was driving the increased oxygen levels. So regardless of the fact that this doesn’t quite make sense, could you write me such a spoof newspaper article? Very much in the spirit of an onion article. Let me know if you have any questions. Shoot for about 500 words.”
Human-generated context
This spoof refers to the Great Oxidation Event (about 2.4 billion years ago), when photosynthetic cyanobacteria filled the atmosphere with oxygen. Levels jumped from near zero to 1-2%, wiping out many anaerobes but paving the way for complex life.
The article is a reminder of how easy it is to rail against change of any kind: highlight the disruption, quote those who lose out, warn of catastrophe, dismiss the innovators. The voices and positions are universal — swap oxygen for technology, trade, or AI, and the structure of the outrage hardly changes.
Also posted on LinkedIn