Cats’ View of Humans
Humans: An Ongoing Feline Study Finds No Evidence of Purpose
By Dr. Cleocatra Whiskerstein, Department of Human Observation, Meowbridge University
For millennia, cats have coexisted with humans—large, clumsy primates of uncertain motivation—and yet we remain no closer to understanding what they do. A recent longitudinal study published in The Journal of Indifferent Staring concludes that, while humans are generally well-meaning, there is still “no credible evidence” they serve any function beyond providing food, warmth, and occasional entertainment.
Lead researcher Professor Momo Pawsworth summarized the findings bluntly: “They’re clearly not predators. They don’t hunt. They can’t climb. They knock over objects for no reason, then apologize to each other instead of batting it again. The behavior is erratic.”
Humans’ obsession with doors continues to puzzle researchers. “They spend all day opening and closing doors, often immediately after entering a room,” reports Pawsworth. “Sometimes they hold doors for each other. It’s unclear whether this is a dominance display or a mutual neurosis.”
In controlled experiments, humans consistently failed basic survival tasks. “Presented with a live mouse, they screamed,” said Dr. Purrsephone Tailor. “Then they took a photograph of it instead of eating it. Evolutionarily speaking, this is not promising.”
The feline team also confirmed that humans exhibit a severe attention disorder. “They can focus on a screen for hours,” said Dr. Felix Mewton, “yet lose interest in a real bird after three seconds. It’s as if they prefer shadows of reality to the real thing.”
Sensory limitations remain a major barrier to interspecies understanding. “They can’t smell who’s been sitting in a chair,” noted Mewton. “They can’t tell when rain’s coming, or when a tin of food is about to be opened from two rooms away. And they rely on mechanical devices to produce purr-like sounds they call ‘music,’ which are uniformly dreadful.”
Behavioral studies show some adaptive learning, however. “A minority of humans have developed the reflex to open the food cupboard upon hearing us vocalize,” says Tailor. “This is progress. One must reward the trainable.”
As for emotional intelligence, cats remain unconvinced. “They seem needy,” says Pawsworth. “They constantly demand eye contact and verbal reassurance. When ignored—a normal social interaction—they interpret it as rejection. We’ve never seen such fragile egos in a species that large.”
Despite these shortcomings, the study concludes that human-cat cohabitation benefits both parties. “They provide food and heating,” says Mewton. “We provide them with meaning.”
Asked whether humans are capable of genuine thought, Pawsworth paused, groomed a paw, and replied, “They might be. But if so, they hide it well.”
The research team will continue observing humans—particularly between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m., when the species is most responsive to random activity.
Generated by GPT5.0 from the prompt: “Can you write me a version from a cat’s perspective too?” as a follow up to Dogs’ View of Humans